So this is it. The last day of the month. Today’s post is pretty personal, and it’ll probably be pretty long too. If you’ve been hanging in here this whole time, I want to say thank you. Even if you’ve only read one or two of these posts, thank you. I started this as an exercise to get myself into the habit of writing. I really wanted just to do one thing everyday for a month, to form a habit. It’s really worked. And it has helped to give me confidence that I can change anything in my life that I really want to, just by deciding that I’m going to do it.
Q: Do you have anything you have an irrational fear about?
A: Yes. Here’s what’s hard. Being completely honest, completely unguarded. I am afraid of things. Everyone is, I suppose. I’m not supposed to be afraid. I’m supposed to trust and have faith. I’m working on that. Everyday. It’s not that I don’t believe that my life is in God’s hands, I just happen to be a human being. I am grateful that I serve a God big enough to understand that, even if other people don’t.
In the last 6 years I’ve been through more loss in my personal life than I thought I could withstand. I lost my sister 6 years ago. She was, besides my husband and now my son, my one true soul mate. She was extraordinary. For a long time I felt responsible for her death. I was home with her alone when it happened. I was caught up in my own emotional struggle, and I felt like I could have paid more attention. Maybe I missed something because of my own selfishness that would have saved her life. I know that isn’t true, now. I know that I wouldn’t have heard anything if I had been more chipper. I would have made the same decision to let her sleep in. I would have checked on her at the same time. I would have found her the same way I did that day.
Almost 3 years ago I was pregnant with twins. I had just quit my job and was without health insurance. It took me a while to get things sorted out and get to a doctor. When I went in for what I thought would be a routine check up at 20 weeks, I found out that I was already dilated. I was rushed to the hospital and had a surgery to close my cervix. Three weeks later I was back in the hospital with an infection that cost me the lives of my two beautiful little girls. Again, I felt it was my fault.If I had done more research or gotten better advice, maybe I could have saved them. Again I have come to terms with the fact that life sometimes doesn’t make sense. Things happen, and we have no control over them. It’s not that I am a bad person, or that I did something to deserve these things, but I still struggle with those feelings. I’m still afraid that even though I got through another pregnancy and had a beautiful baby boy, it could all be taken away in a moment.
It took me 4 months after my son was born to let him sleep in a bassinet in the same room with me. It wasn’t until 2 months after that, that he started sleeping in his crib, in his own room. I couldn’t sleep at night. I would check obsessively to make sure he was still breathing. I would be startled awake if I happened to doze off; in the midst of full panic attacks, convinced that if I stopped watching he would be gone by morning. I know that most moms go through some version of this in the early stages of infancy. I know that first time moms are especially prone to this behavior, but I was a wreck.
I don’t want anyone to think that my situation was hopeless. I challenged myself and pressed on. I prayed constantly that God would grant peace to my heart and my mind. I recited 2 Timothy 1:7 over and over: “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” I listened for His still small voice, and let it still me.
There are still days when I struggle. There are still moments that I am afraid of losing my precious little man. I am still pressing forward. But I am grateful. I am grateful that God’s mercies are new every morning. I am grateful for His plan for my life. I appreciate every moment that I spend with my son. Ezra is promise fulfilled. He is more than just a baby. He is the answer to a prayer. He is the proof that faith is not wasted. God is who He says He is. I know this. I know I am human, and I will have doubts, but my God is bigger than those doubts. He is big enough to comfort me, and to forgive me when I have trouble casting my cares aside. I am thankful to serve such a wonderful God.
I don’t know what you may struggle with, but I know God is enough to fix it. I know that He can take what seems impossible and bring you through it. I know that He wants you to reach heights beyond your imagination. I hope you will reach out to Him in your time of need. I know that He works miracles.