Bloggers Like Me
Jul 312012
 

So this is it. The last day of the month. Today’s post is pretty personal, and it’ll probably be pretty long too. If you’ve been hanging in here this whole time, I want to say thank you. Even if you’ve only read one or two of these posts, thank you. I started this as an exercise to get myself into the habit of writing. I really wanted just to do one thing everyday for a month, to form a habit. It’s really worked. And it has helped to give me confidence that I can change anything in my life that I really want to, just by deciding that I’m going to do it.

Q: Do you have anything you have an irrational fear about?

A: Yes. Here’s what’s hard. Being completely honest, completely unguarded. I am afraid of things. Everyone is, I suppose. I’m not supposed to be afraid. I’m supposed to trust and have faith. I’m working on that. Everyday. It’s not that I don’t believe that my life is in God’s hands, I just happen to be a human being. I am grateful that I serve a God big enough to understand that, even if other people don’t.

In the last 6 years I’ve been through more loss in my personal life than I thought I could withstand. I lost my sister 6 years ago. She was, besides my husband and now my son, my one true soul mate. She was extraordinary. For a long time I felt responsible for her death. I was home with her alone when it happened. I was caught up in my own emotional struggle, and  I felt like I could have paid more attention. Maybe I missed something because of my own selfishness that would have saved her life. I know that isn’t true, now. I know that I wouldn’t have heard anything if I had been more chipper. I would have made the same decision to let her sleep in. I would have checked on her at the same time. I would have found her the same way I did that day.

Almost 3 years ago I was pregnant with twins. I had just quit my job and was without health insurance. It took me a while to get things sorted out and get to a doctor. When I went in for what I thought would be a routine check up at 20 weeks, I found out that I was already dilated. I was rushed to the hospital and had a surgery to close my cervix. Three weeks later I was back in the hospital with an infection that cost me the lives of my two beautiful little girls. Again, I felt it was my fault.If I had done more research or gotten better advice, maybe I could have saved them. Again I have come to terms with the fact that life sometimes doesn’t make sense. Things happen, and we have no control over them. It’s not that I am a bad person, or that I did something to deserve these things, but I still struggle with those feelings. I’m still afraid that even though I got through another pregnancy and had a beautiful baby boy, it could all be taken away in a moment.

It took me 4 months after my son was born to let him sleep in a bassinet in the same room with me. It wasn’t until 2 months after that, that he started sleeping in his crib, in his own room. I couldn’t sleep at night. I would check obsessively to make sure he was still breathing. I would be startled awake if I happened to doze off; in the midst of full panic attacks, convinced that if I stopped watching he would be gone by morning. I know that most moms go through some version of this in the early stages of infancy. I know that first time moms are especially prone to this behavior, but I was a wreck.

I don’t want anyone to think that my situation was hopeless. I challenged myself and pressed on. I prayed constantly that God would grant peace to my heart and my mind. I recited 2 Timothy 1:7 over and over: “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” I listened for His still small voice, and let it still me.

There are still days when I struggle. There are still moments that I am afraid of losing my precious little man. I am still pressing forward. But I am grateful. I am grateful that God’s mercies are new every morning. I am grateful for His plan for my life. I appreciate every moment that I spend with my son. Ezra is promise fulfilled. He is more than just a baby. He is the answer to a prayer. He is the proof that faith is not wasted. God is who He says He is. I know this. I know I am human, and I will have doubts, but my God is bigger than those doubts. He is big enough to comfort me, and to forgive me when I have trouble casting my cares aside. I am thankful to serve such a wonderful God.

I don’t know what you may struggle with, but I know God is enough to fix it. I know that He can take what seems impossible and bring you through it. I know that He wants you to reach heights beyond your imagination. I hope you will reach out to Him in your time of need. I know that He works miracles.

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Oh my gosh! It’s day 30 already. Honestly it only feels like a couple of weeks.

Q: You are given one super-power, the ability to grant super-powers to people you love.   Who would you give super-powers to, and what would they be?

A: I would give my son the power to communicate telekinetically. He’s so small and he can’t talk in full sentences yet. So, he spends most of his days frustrated, trying to get his point across. It would make things easier for everyone if he could just read minds and talk through thoughts.

I would give my husband the power to freeze time. He’s a really busy guy, and I know that he would like the time to do more, and do everything perfectly.

I would give my mom the power to teleport. That way she could pop in for a visit with the bean whenever she wanted.

I tried to think of something for my brother, but I think I’d just make him Iron Man. I think he would think that’s pretty cool.

 

Yup that’s pretty cool.

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Whew! Another post in less than 24 hours. The month is almost over, guys. I can hardly believe it.

Q: What do you feel people tend to misunderstand about you the most?

A: I guess I would have to say that people tend to find me intimidating when they first meet me. I’ve had plenty of people tell me that they thought I was “mean” when we were introduced. I’m not really sure if it’s me, or their perception, or a mixture of both. I know that I am usually very shy and reserved. I have a hard time feeling comfortable in social situations that include large groups of people. I’ve worked very hard on being able to project how I really feel on the inside when meeting new people. I try to be less worried about what people will think of me, and try to just remember to be open and friendly. I think it has helped get rid of the idea that I’m mean or intimidating. I’m really a very nice person. It just takes me a while to unwind and be comfortable. I have to feel people out and get to know them first.

What do you wish people understood about you?

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Sorry to have this up so late, but the day got away from me. I hope you are all enjoying your weekend so far.

Q: Would you ever shut yourself off from the internet entirely including e-mail for a month or longer?  Would it have a big change in your life?

A: I think I could cut myself off from the internet for an extended period of time. It would be a challenge, but I know that it wouldn’t take long to get used to it. Whenever we go on vacation, I tend  to unplug a bit. I can’t say that it doesn’t change my life in certain ways, but I know how to get by without it. Sometimes it is good to just take  a step away from technology and get things back into perspective. Besides, once you plug back in, you’ll find it like an old friend you haven’t seen for some times. You’ll have plenty of catching up to do. You may even find that you like having that bit of distance. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, after all.

Would you ever kiss the internet goodbye for a while? For good? Why or why not?

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Oh my gosh, you guys, today is the opening ceremony of the London Olympics. I’m so super excited. It’s the first Olympics that I can watch with my little bean. Sure, he’s only 18 months old, but it’s like a family tradition. I remember being really small and watching the Olympics with my mom. We watched everything. From the opening ceremonies to the last light of the closing, it was two weeks of amazing athletes. But what I really love about the Olympics is the sense of community it inspires. It’s one of those rare events that reminds us that no matter where we are or where we’re from, we really are all one world. It’s a time when we come together and root for our most superb athletes. But more than that we appreciate what is capable through hard work and the courage of the human spirit.  I hope you all take a break and enjoy the games too. They are so much fun!

Q: If you were given the option to have more money or more time in the day, which would you choose?
A: I’d definitely chose more time.  I don’t know if I’m the only one, but since having a kid, I really feel like my time is at such a premium. I would love to do so much more, but I just can’t seem to fit it all in. I would love not to have to stay up all night just to have time to talk to my husband about things that don’t involve “household business”.

OK I hate to cut this short, but I gotta get back to the Olympics now. I love you all. Talk to you again tomorrow :)

 

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Jul 262012
 

Full Disclosure: Today’s post may make no sense. I am at the end of a day that came after very little sleep. I’m not going to even try to blame my kid for this sleepless night. It was all me.  I have a problem. Sometimes I stay up late playing hidden object games on my Kindle. I know, it’s shameful, but I just get so excited finding all those pieces of hidden things and playing little puzzle games. I forget about the time entirely. Unfortunately, my son is as reliable as a rooster. So here I sit, finally crashing a little and answering this burning question.

Q: What is a moment in the past few years you feel proud of?  What moment do you think you’ll be proud of in a few years from now?

A: I don’t really have a moment. You know, I don’t honestly take a bunch of time to think about why I should be proud of myself. I look at my life mostly as road I walk down trying not to make horrible mistakes. If I do something good, or right, or whatever; it kind of doesn’t register. I’m really hard on myself. Every time I do something well, I just go over how it could be better. It’s just my nature. I don’t want it to sound like I’m horribly unhappy, because that’s not true at all. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I’m proud when I know I’m living my life in a way that I feel confident holding my head up high and looking myself square in the eyes with no shame. The accomplishments day to day serve to build me into someone I can be proud of overall. I’m not doing anything big, just trying to live my life. So I suppose to answer the other part about the future, I look forward to continuing to challenge myself to refine who I am, and do better tomorrow than I did today. That’s the way I live. That’s what I tell my son at night before he goes to bed. “Remember to thank God for today, and no matter what happened, we’ll try to do better tomorrow.”

 

I love you all. Good night. I’ll try again tomorrow :)

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Wow so it’s late now, and I almost forgot to write this post. I’ve been doing a brave thing (for me), and braiding my hair all day. I’ve never done it before, and trying to do that and take care of an 18 month old is…… a challenge. But, as usual, I’m up for a challenge. :) How are you doing? I feel like we don’t talk anymore. How are the kids?  OK OK , on with the show!

Q: What’s your favorite thing to cook?  Least favorite?

A: I don’t know if I have a favorite thing to cook. I just love to cook in general. I love making food for my family and friends. I love learning about new foods from different cultures. I love experimenting with new ingredients.

Something you probably don’t know about me, is that when I was a kid I wanted a chemistry set so badly. I remember thinking it would be great to be like a mad scientist in a movie, mixing and brewing potions. I thought it would be epic, and end in explosions. The thing toy companies don’t let you know is, they don’t put anything in those chemistry sets that could even explode if you wanted it to. I guess that’s pretty prudent, legally speaking, but it’s kind of a let down if you’re an 11 year old. Anywho that’s how cooking makes me feel. It’s like a chemistry set that fulfills all it’s promises.

If I had to pick a least favorite thing to cook, it would ironically be anything that’s baked. Turns out I don’t have the patience for careful measuring. I’m also a chronic over-mixer . I just don’t believe those recipes that say lumpy batter is OK. So, yeah you probably wouldn’t want to eat most of my baking.

So that’s my culinary tale. What is yours? Do you even like to cook? What’s your best recipe? Share!

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Hola! OK there’s your cultural lesson for the day (kidding). Now, on with the question.

Q: Do you consider yourself to be weird?  Do you think there is such a thing as normal?

A: Of course I consider myself weird. I just don’t happen to think there’s anything wrong with being weird. Everyone has things about them that make them unique and different than anyone else. Some people call that weird. I just see it as life becoming interesting. I honestly think there’s no one that is “normal”. In my humble opinion the people that try so hard to be normal are just selling themselves short. It’s way more fun to be weird, and just be who you are.

 

Are you weird? Do you want to be normal. Do you find yourself wishing “weird” people were more normal like you? why do you think that is?

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Jul 232012
 

Woo what a day! Didn’t sleep much last night and had to be up early this morning. not so easy when you aren’t a morning person :) But that’s OK because the bean had a wonderful check up, and bonus for mom, we don’t have to go back for 6 months! How was your weekend? How is your Monday panning out? Let’s have some fun!

Q: East coast or west coast?

A: Um, DUH! West coast all day! I’m sorry east coast-ers, but I’m never going to be able to ditch my allegiance to the good old west. California is where I was born and raised. It’s where my heart is. I miss the mountains in my skyline, and the city lights at night. I miss California beaches, and the laid back vibe. I just cant help myself.

How about you? Do you swear allegiance to one side of the country, or the other? Or are you and equal opportunity coast-er?

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Hello there. I’m late posting, and have to be in bed soon so I can wake up early tomorrow. Cue the speedy question and answer.

Q: Name 1 each of the following media that has influenced you or held some special meaning to you; a book, a movie, a song, a picture or painting.

A: There are countless books and movies and other various forms of media that have influenced me, or carry some sentimental impact within them. Here are a few. Please do not take this list to mean these are the only important things in my life, they are just the ones that come to mind tonight. :)

A book: The Notebook. Before Every Nicholas Sparks novel was turned into a syrupy love saga on film, I read this book. Most people I know are attached to the film, but I remain attached to the tenderness of the story in the book, and how touchingly it was recalled in those pages. It reminds me very much of the love my husband and I have for each other, and over the years our story has come to parallel that of  Allie and Noah in many ways.

A Movie: Savannah Smiles. This is a movie I saw when I was about 4 years old. It’s about a little girl named Savannah, whose parents ignore her. She ends up running away from home and by happenstance runs into two crooks, while hiding in the back of their car. The two criminals care for her and make her feel loved like she never has before. In the end she is returned to her parents safely and they are taught to hopefully pay more attention to her needs than their own. I remember shortly after seeing this film, I was in a department store with my mother and I saw a doll that looked exactly like the little actress in the movie. I begged my mom for that doll and named her Savannah. I must have kept her around until I was ten or twelve.

A Song: Just Haven’t Met You Yet by Michael Buble`. This song is very meaningful to me because I started singing it to my son towards the end of my pregnancy. It’s a song about romantic love and seeking to find “the one” , but at that time it became a way for me to let my little guy know how much I loved him. The line “I promise you kid, I’ll give so much more than I get.”, still chokes me up. Anytime I hear that song I immediately start singing it to my little bean and it makes him smile. It’s our song. And the truth is, I give a lot, but what I get in return by being his mom is much more than I could have bargained for.

A Picture or Painting. The Starry Night by Vincent van Gogh. I know that this is a very popular painting. It probably seems trite to point to it as something of great influence or value to me personally, but it is. I am a night person. I love the night time like most people love sunshine. I have also struggled most of my life with depression. The Starry Night is, to me, a representation of particular time of morning. I can clearly remember having stayed up for more than one night, all night. I know what midnight and 3 a.m. look like. But there is a special time of morning ,around 5:30 usually (especially in the summer months), when the sky become a special shade of blue. I think it’s technically cerulean, but who’s counting? Anyway, that is a time that I have named Blue Time. For me, Blue Time is the time of the day with the most hope. It’s not dark like midnight, or pitch black and settled like 3 a.m. Blue Time holds all the promise of a new day. It is hope in celestial form. It is quiet and serene, a time when a deep breath can be taken and life can begin again. There have been countless nights I’ve spent feeling overtaken by darkness, sadness, and hopelessness. But so many mornings I’ve watched as, slowly, God’s promise of a new day dawns. It’s before the sky turns pink and lavender and orange with the sunrise. It is peace. And whenever I look at that van Gogh painting I am reminded of that time.

So those are a few of my special things. Please, share some of your own!

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